Dreams and Reality

I have been having stress dreams the last two nights. And my sleep has been very light, not deep and recharging. Last night I dreamt I took Evelyn to elementary school and it was stressful, I was trying to make sure she had everything she needed and didn't get lost. Then I dreamt that I took my twin brother to college and I was trying to make sure he was in the right dorm and settled in okay. And then Stan turned into Levi, but Levi as a little boy. It was weird.

Breaking down my dreams:
It's pretty obvious that I am nervous about Evelyn going to kindergarten next year and I am also having anxiety/sadness about my little baby girl becoming a big girl. That's pretty cut and dry.

The dream where I am taking my twin brother to college and helping him get settled in the dorms has some meat to it, if you are into dream analysis. And the fact that at the end of the dream Stan turns into Levi is really interesting. As kids Stan and I were inseparable. I never wanted to be without him. And I think vice versa. And even into early adulthood we spent a lot of time together and were close. And throughout our childhood I always looked out for Stan. I always tried to protect him and make sure he was okay. He had emotional issues as a kid and other kids were not nice to him so I always felt a strong protective instinct when it came to him. I once chased a bully around the playground in 5th grade until I caught him and kicked him as hard as I could in the crotch. I did this because the bully wouldn't leave Stan alone and I was fed up with it and I knew that if Stan got angry enough he would get really violent and I didn't want him to get in trouble. So in terms of taking care of or watching out for a little boy that I love very much my only reference point is my twin brother. Interesting. I hadn't realized that connection of emotion there until I had that dream last night.

I am feeling a lot of pressure/stress these last days of pregnancy. I think I am anxious to meet Levi but also anxious that he won't come on his own. And the last thing I want is to be induced or have any medical interventions. But everyone (EVERY-ONE!) wants him out yesterday and asks me all the time when he is going to come out. And on top of all that I think it is obvious from my dream that I am worried about how everyone in our little family is going to adjust to the arrival of Levi.

I look at Evelyn these days and I almost can't believe how she has become a girl, not a little girl, a big girl. And Bailey is practically a teenager it feels like. Evelyn is more surprising to me because she just seems to have changed over night. When did she stop being a baby? I am glad, very glad that she is acting and reasoning like a big girl but I am sad that my baby is gone. On Thursday I register Evie for kindergarten. Holy Sh*t. I always knew this day would come (of course!) but wow. Just wow. I guess all the changes that are happening are hitting me (along with prelabor hormones, lol) and I am just a little sad, and a little anxious. I want all these changes, I want them more than I can articulate but I also am mourning the past a little bit. I know it is cliche to cry and be sad when your first born goes to kindergarten or hits any other milestone but I can't help it.

The arrival of Levi couldn't be better because as I cry over losing Evie as my baby girl I get to embrace my baby boy and start again and enjoy all over again the joys of having a baby and watching him grow up. Everything about my life since I met Mike has been so incredibly meant to be it is striking. And not every twist in this road has been easy. There have been quite a few times when we really thought we were on the right path and then hit a GIANT wall and realized that everything we thought we wanted or needed was not happening. And that was really scary. And then around the corner another opportunity fell into our laps and it turned out to be the best thing for us and our family. Levi coming now, when Evie is about to go to elementary school, when Bailey is old enough to understand and appreciate having a little brother, it just feels perfect. We'll have hiccups, the girls will not like sharing their attention (as Bailey makes abundantly clear at every chance, lol) but I really think the timing couldn't be better for our family.

So despite the stress and anxiousness I know this is a wonderful time in all our lives. And really, would I be normal if I wasn't a little anxious about all theses changes?