What a Night (Warning: Preggo Whiney Post Ahead)

***Updated Below***

Total adult meltdown over here. I mean I stomped off and walked up and down a big ass hill and then cried for about 3 hours and now am so wired I can't sleep. I am exhausted. Emotionally, physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Yes I said emotionally twice. Because that is what feels most tired. I guess the stress and pressure and hormones just reached a fever pitch tonight. I just couldn't take it anymore. And I had a massive fail. And then all the little fails and hurts and everythings just flooded out.

I am so incredibly wound up about WHEN Levi is going to get here that it is all I can do to make it through each minute without wondering if this kick or cramp or contraction is the beginning of labor. It is exhausting on many levels. I can't help but think that if I had gone with a midwife and home birth I wouldn't feel this wound up. I never got checked (for dilation) with Evelyn. And now I see why getting checked can really be a double edged sword. On the one hand it is wonderful to know that my body is ready, that Levi is in the right position and all signs are a go. But on the other hand every time I go to the doctor and nothing has changed it is a little painful, a little disappointing. A little like I am a failure somehow. And all of that is ridiculous. The medical profession around birth is so scheduled and rushed compared to the midwife model of care. I really hadn't prepared myself for that aspect of dealing with a doctor and a hospital birth. With Evelyn I was so excited, but I don't remember being so stressed about WHEN she was going to come. I don't remember feeling so distraught about her lack of an early debut. With Levi it feels like everyday is a failure because I haven't birthed him yet. Like I am holding up everyone's plans, and how inconvenient for them. And I am disappointed too. I want him here already.

A woman I know who was due May 3rd got induced a few days ago and now her daughter is here. And I am JEALOUS!  Irrationally jealous. I am super happy for her, super super happy for her. But I wish my baby were here too! But I don't want to be induced and I want to do this naturally. And the waiting is very hard. And I think it is even harder this time around because of the older girls. I am constantly (as is Mike) trying to plan for every possible scenario of me going into labor. If the girls are home, if the girls are at school, if it is the middle of the night, if it is the morning before school, etc. It is exhausting.

I go to the doctor tomorrow morning at 8:45AM and I do not want to get checked again. I am tired of the stress, the disappointment, the false hope. We are getting an ultrasound just to make sure everything is on track (which I am sure it is). I am really glad Mike can come to this appointment. And before I even get to my appointment I will be asked at least 5 times "That baby hasn't come yet?" or some variation of that question. And then at my appointment my doctor will ask me the same thing. And throughout my day I will be asked when I am due, how far along am I, etc. Even the ladies at Subway asked me on Saturday when the baby was coming, and hadn't he come yet? It only stresses me out because I ask myself the same thing everyday too. I am also very eager for Levi to be here. I think about it constantly. Even when I try not to think about it I think about it. Even as I type this I am wondering if labor is starting because I feel all crampy and am having contractions. It is like being OCD about something that you have no control over. It's torture. As my friend said today "We don't just embrace insanity here. We french kiss it, and feel it up, and buy it a drink." That is how I feel to a "T" tonight.

****Updated to Add****
Went to the doc this morning and am feeling much better. Ultrasound shows Levi weighing about 8 lbs 9 oz right now which is right on track with him weighing the same as Evelyn did when she was born (8lbs 11oz). But these things are notoriously inaccurate and my doc said that Levi could easily weigh 9.5 lbs right now as well. Either way Levi is healthy, good heartbeat, good breathing motions (he won't actually start breathing/using his lungs until he is born but it's a great sign of maturity that he is going through the motions in utero), good amniotic fluid levels, and good movement overall. He is still measuring very long for his gestational age, almost 2 weeks ahead for the length of his legs! And we got to see a peek of his eyes, mouth, and nose. He is so cute! =) Seeing Levi was just what I needed to get me out of the funk I was in last night and this morning before my appointment.